peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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