i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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