Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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