not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
