ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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