my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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