Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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