I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
