i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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