i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
