she looked like the before picture.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we're making bets on your personal life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
