Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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