i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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