Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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