dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
