No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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