everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have fence marks all over my body
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize