It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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