i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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