my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
