ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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