I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
