you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
