I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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