He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
