and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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