it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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