Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
