my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
