Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
