I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize