there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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