When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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