u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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