And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
MIDGETS
????
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
