Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
