Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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