I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
