I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
