I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
