Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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