Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
They took my balls.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
