I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
