I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
