Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
