I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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