Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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