I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
