i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
