Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
sex in a hospital.. check
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
