We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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