Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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