Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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