Can i not drive my cunt home
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
