found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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