His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
