...so i touched it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
