Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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