Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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