Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
