I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
