so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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