So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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